Hallucinating

October 2015

I think it was my first night in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), when I was hallucinating. I now know that I had morphine pumped into my bloodstream, so most likely this drug made me hallucinate…

It’s a funny story, but in the end it was really scary, when I actually thought I was dying…

I was in a private room attached to life supporting machines, as I mentioned before. The respirator was attached to a hole in my neck 🙄🙉🙈. That hole in the neck is called Tracheal intubation (simply intubation)-which is a placement of a flexible plastic tube into the trachea (windpipe) to maintain an open airway. That opening is usually used to give oxygen, and that was the main purpose of having it done for me personally. The respirator was attached in this way, helping me breathe. Anytime it became disconnected it would make this loud beeping sound to alert the nurses, so they could come and attach it again. Every time the respirator was detached it would make breathing harder, but not impossible. You will understand why this is important when I start describing my hallucination…

I was actually just laying on that ICU bed, but in my head there was a lot going on, A LOT! So I was recording a video clip and I was one of the backup dancers 👯 🤷🏻‍♀️💃. There was a very nice sports car 🚗 💨which I really admired, since I absolutely love cars😍! You won’t believe who was singing at the front, while I danced in the back…Nicky Minaj 💁🏽‍♀️💁🏼‍♀️🙈🙉…I know! Her of all people 😂 why not Drake or Maluma for example? 🥰💃. That’s the fun part of my hallucination, now off to the not so fun, scary part… Suddenly I wasn’t dancing in that videoclip anymore, but I was in the situation I was actually in. On that bed in ICU. I could hear that beeping noise of the respirator in the background, waiting for someone to come and fix it. No one was coming, and I started to feel that it was getting harder to breathe…I started panicking, because I was suffocating 😵 couldn’t catch any air!

🙉😂🤪

I was hallucinating that I was dying, I could literally feel myself not being able to breathe, suffocating on that ICU bed. There was no one coming to reattach my respirator…I could constantly hear it beeping in the background! Why was nobody there? Did they not care that I’m not able to breathe? That I’m on the verge of dying?,…😵😱 in my hallucination I opened my eyes 👀…I think I actually opened them, because I could see a male nurse standing in front of my bed, but he was just staring at me and the machine beeping away to alert him 🚨 that the respirator wasn’t plugged in properly. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t doing anything, just watched me suffocating. I couldn’t even shout or move, even though I tried… I don’t know if I actually saw a nurse in my room or if it was all just my imagination…🤷🏻‍♀️ I just know that I’ve never seen him again, no male nurse worked in that ICU ward anyway, so this will just stay one BIG mystery. Anyway I’m not dead and obviously someone came in that time to reattach the respirator…? Or maybe this never happened…?

I know that I hallucinated a couple of times after this episode, but they were much shorter visions and I don’t remember them that well. They’re just very unclear memories in my head where I’ve opened my eyes to see nurses that actually worked there, perhaps just checking in on me at night, but I could just hear them talking or I’ve been seeing things around me that were never there?! Like more beds with patients in them, when I was alone in a private room🙉🤷🏻‍♀️… I don’t know, but I know that morphine is a very strong drug, that definitely makes you hallucinate…

I’m very aware that these type of drugs made me hallucinate and had many other negative side effects, but they kept me in this bubble where I felt a little bit indifferent, unaware of the severity of my situation…perhaps that was a good thing? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔

🦋 You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens…🦋

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL mums! But especially to my Mum 💐❤️ That’s her at my age ☝️👈 and me today ☝️👉
❤️❤️💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️

🦋 Don’t downgrade your dream to fit your reality. Upgrade your conviction to match your destiny 🦋

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2 thoughts on “Hallucinating

  1. I love the addiction video Klaudia, your Mum is beautiful today but what a stunner at your age.💝I had a great friend who died about 8 years ago, let’s just say he loved to party, on a visit to hospital once they gave home morphine. He spent his time in hospital begging for more, he loved it.🤣

    Like

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